epiphany

"i wonder at what paul said back in portland, how God is good, how it doesn't do any good to run from Him because what He has is good and who He is, is good. even if i want to run, it isn't really what i want--what i want is Him, even if i don't believe it. if He made all this existence, you would think He would know what He is doing, and you would think He could be trusted. everything i want is just Him, to get lost in Him, to feel His love and more and more of this dazzling that He does. i wonder at His beautiful system and how it feels better than anything i could choose or invent for myself. i wonder as i gaze up at the night sky, this love letter from God to creation, this reminder that somewhere there is peace, somwhere there is order, and i think about how great His kingdom is, and is going to be, and i wonder, in this rare and beautiful moment, how i could ever want to walk away from it all." - donald miller, "through painted deserts"

sometimes God really just smacks you in the face. i just read this about 10 minutes ago. and this is my reaction.

i'm not who i'm pretending to be. you know that. i haven't been the man you wanted me to be. i've ignored and pushed and pouted and done whatever i want. somewhere in the journey, i lost sight of the goals that had been set for me. i took a left instead of a right. not because i didn't know where i was going, but because i decided that the left was better. well here i am. at the end of that road. obviously not where i'm supposed to be. and i'm just looking around, trying to figure out how exactly it is that i got here. all these years i've been questioning and blaming everything and everyone, except the one who really screwed it all up. me. this isn't what was intended; joyless, bitter, depressing. i'm turning around now. heading back to the right. i don't think it's going to be easy, but i know that it's possible, because it's what you want. and that's always possible.